This column is the second in a series exploring the anatomy of relationships. Need advice regarding a significant other, family member or friend? Submit your questions and stories here, and Anum may answer you in her next piece.
Dear Anum,
My partner recently told his parents about me. We've been together for several years, and we both figured it was time they knew. He and his family immigrated here when we was very young, but his parents had hoped that he would marry a nice, Muslim, Arab girl. So, of course, they weren't happy to find out about me, a white girl from the U.S. How can I build a relationship with them if they don't like the very idea of me?
— Stuck in the Middle
Dear Stuck in the Middle:
This is quite a difficult situation, and unfortunately all too common. First and foremost, you shouldn’t take anything they’ve said so far or their disapproval personally. Even though it may feel like it, it has nothing to do with who you are as a person. For many people who immigrate to another country, especially the West, losing their culture or their identity poses the biggest threat. Therefore, when they see any sign of complete assimilation within their children, in cases where their heritage and their ideals may be lost, they can start to become weary and even unreceptive. For example, most immigrant families are petrified of their nuclear unit being disjointed because they come from a collective point of view. So, in cases such as those, most parents assess to see if “this woman who is coming into our son’s life is going to keep the family together or will she take him away from us?” These insecurities should be addressed earlier on in the relationships, before you and your partner decide to take any further steps. You and your partner should have these discussions with his family, and see what and what they aren’t receptive to. Additionally, it’s his responsibility as well to help them accept you because he is the one veering from their norm.
However, the best way for you to build a relationship with them is to recognize their specific fears and help appease them. I would also start by approaching and trying to become friends with the older generation versus trying to find an “in” through the younger generation. Even though, for most people, it seems less daunting to become friends with the siblings, every family has a different dynamic. Additionally, in most traditional immigrant families, the parents usually have a say in how relationships work out if their children are still young or have never rebelled.
For example, when you’re meeting his mom, try to talk about food. Ask her what she likes to cook, and if she could teach you some of the dishes. Or if she doesn’t like to cook (which is a rarity), ask her what she believes is the most important ideal for a woman to have. By engaging with their principles, it will make them see you as an open and amenable person, which, at the end of the day, all traditional families are looking for in their son or daughter’s partner. Also, understand that it may take a long time for them to accept you, but as long as both sides are respectful of each other, it’s a step in the right direction. Don’t try assimilating into their culture if you’re not comfortable because you don’t want to end up resenting your boyfriend or his family. Keep a balanced approach and be mindful.
— Anum
Along with working at an inpatient psychiatric hospital and running her own private practice, Anum is currently working, organizing and planning Pre-Marital and Marital retreats for Muslims with AlaNur. You can learn more about her psychotherapeutic style at: Psychology Today.
This column is the second in a series exploring the anatomy of relationships. Need advice regarding a significant other, family member or friend? Submit your questions and stories here, and Anum may answer you in her next piece.