I thought this place had shut down, but it was still open and I had to see what the hype was all about. Entering the grounds of the famed Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp (aka GITMO or “If Hell had a Hell,” as locals call it), I was overwhelmed by the site of towering concrete walls topped with razor wire. Not my personal taste, but this rustic, minimalist aesthetic gives the place a classic look.
Because I didn’t have luggage (or any belongings at all), checking in was relatively quick and painless. Two bellhops then covered my head in a free black pillowcase and escorted me to my room. I would have tipped them, but they locked the cold steel gate and left before I could! The room was not as lofty as the outside of the building suggests, but it did have basic amenities — a bunk, sink, toilet, and residual bleakness in the air from a past customer who killed himself. I mean hey, it’s not The Ritz!
I was feeling tired so I tried to get some shut-eye. It was a bit hard to sleep considering GITMO has a strict lights-on policy and blasts the “Meow Mix” theme song on repeat throughout the night, but after a few hours (days? weeks? meow?) I couldn’t even tell if I was asleep or alive. Who knows? I just remember waking up and feeling hungry as heck.
Before I even ordered room service, they came to me! Two staff members escorted me to a small, intimate café where they threaded a tube through my nose and throat into my stomach and force-fed me a milkshake. The can was labeled “Ensure,” but I like to call it “Guantanamo Horchata” ;). Honestly, I’ve never had a meal prepared like this before, but you know what they say, “When in Guantanamo, shut your fucking mouth you dirty Arab,” etc.
Before I could wipe the vomit off my shirt, we were off to another room. It was steaming hot and filled with other patrons who were completely nude. I’ve been to a sauna before, but none like this where everyone was crying. I guess tears are another way to get rid of toxins. I didn’t want to seem uncultured and closed-minded, so I immediately undressed accordingly. Then an attendant linked me to the floor with a metal friendship bracelet and brought in his dog. Buddy growled and barked at me nonstop for two hours. I think he just wanted a snack from me? I don’t know, I’m not good with animals lol.
Overall, I would only recommend this place if you’re looking for something different. It’s definitely an acquired taste and not for everyone. If there was one knock, it’s that GITMO completely shatters your will to live using horrifying techniques in violation of the Geneva Convention. That being said, it is what it is and does not falsely advertise. I’ve been to a Holiday Inn that touted itself as top notch, but had recently expired yogurt in the fridge (ew!). Check it out, if you’re up for an adventure. I know I’ll be back! I have no choice! 3.5/5 stars.
Shaan Baig is a comedian, actor and writer based in Los Angeles. He makes comedy videos that are enjoyed by everyone but his dad. You can check them out on his YouTube page, NotoriousBAIG. You can also catch Shaan perform live with his sketch comedy team Dad Jeans at iO West Theater in Hollywood. Follow him on Twitter at @NotoriousBAIG and Instagram at @ilikeburdz. Look out for his podcast "Bollywood Boys" coming soon!