First things first: you’re brown, a little Muslimy, and you’ve decided to study for the N.A.T.. Whether you’ve been detained without charge, or are preparing for a hearing before the newly formed Patriots Investigating Suspected Suspects committee (PISS), we’ve got you covered! Just follow this guide and you’ll be on your way to being upgraded from “Not Approved Threat” (NAT) to “Not A Terrorist” (NAT).
STOP!
If you’re reading this guide, you’ve already been flagged by TrumpNation’s© tremendous Terror Interception Tool (TIT). Close out of this browser window and ask a Native American* to read the list aloud to you.
*Remember, this term was redefined as part of the 28th Amendment, and no longer refers to Trumtopia’s™ indigenous peoples. Instead “Native American” now refers to men with the name “Don,” “Donald,” “Donatello,” or “Donathan.” As defined in the Amendment, women who rank 8 or above on a scale of 1 - 10 will be considered Native American
Diet, Diet, Diet!
If you want to be seen as a patriot, then you need to eat like a patriot. Eating Halal, Zabihah, Kosher, even vegetarian or vegan is a sure way to raise eyebrows, and you should cease these activities immediately. Go to your nearest Trump-certified food dealer who will be able to help you finance your lifetime supply of Trump Steaks™.
(Re)Educate yourself
The new and improved* Trump University offers several courses designed to help you ace the NAT. The robust course catalogue offers everything from Business Scowling 101 to Good English Words and How to Use Them.
*In no way should “new and improved” imply that Trump University or its courses are new or improved
Consider your appearance
Formal dress is required for the NAT. Men should wear one of Donald J Trump Collections’™ finest polyester blend suits, and women should wear a modest bikini with their hair down.
Pledge yourself
Memorize and recite the Trumptopian National Terms and Conditions:
“I pledge allegiance,
to Emperor Donald J. Trump,
and agree to all the terms and conditions set forth herein,
and to the TrumpNation©,
for which they apply.
One nation,
underground,
where we all live now,
with liberty and justice for all who survived The Trumpening”
Ahmed Amer is a satirist and writer in Raleigh, North Carolina. He is the creator of @bad_at_captions on Twitter.